There’s something I just need to say,

I apologize in advance,this post might not be the most optimistic but I feel like I just need to get this off my chest and just to throw it out there, this is not a pity party. I am not asking for compliments and sympathetic comments about how you feel on this topic, please just hear me out. 

Today I had a down moment, a small moment of weakness that some or maybe most people will have every now and again. I felt diminutive in comparison to my peers. I started thinking of what I’ve been doing with my life for the past two years and I couldn’t a find a single thing I could be proud to say I’ve accomplished on my own. In two years, I have only obtained 30 college credits, and if I did the math correctly that puts me at a freshman in college, all while my peers are going on their senior year of college next semester.

” What are you doing with your life Desiree?”

This is where I’d receive comments such as “Oh but Des, you’ve had a baby”  or “I can barely take care of myself i couldn’t fathom taking care of someone else” but that’s no excuse for me to have 30 credits, which I am very much ashamed of instead of proud. In those two years, I’ve achieved nothing truly productive and I’m not only disappointed but angry that I’ve let myself waste so much time worrying on the stupidest aspect of my life–the social one. In which I will point out I have nearly nobody left because all my friends have left for school and finished their time at this terribly mundane “collegiate” institution I attend. 

How unbelievably ridiculous

Right now I could be more than 3/4 of the way finished with my degree and be on my way to finding internships and jobs to be able to move out and be independent and care for my son INDEPENDENTLY. I can’t begin to tell you the frustration I feel for being so dependent at the age of (nearly) 21. Asking my parents for money makes me cringe, it makes me feel sick which leads me to think..

“If I hadn’t had a child, I wouldn’t have complicated their lives” 

-insert tears here-
I will never regret the decision to keep my son, Cody makes me the happiest person, no matter how many tantrums he throws and how many negative feelings he might trigger like frustration and exhaustion. He’s made me into a slightly more mature person, but quite frankly I don’t feel good enough.
I could be a better mother, a better daughter, a better student, a better human.
But everything I’ve learned to define as who I should be is the most far from what I am today, and although this sounds like a complaint, it’s a cry of help. No matter how hard I try, I still feel like I’m not enough, and in harsh honesty I never will. 
It does not mean I will give up, because my son is the one person who I need to be strongest for and throwing in the towel is not an option. 

Just be patient with me, because I can’t help compare myself to other moms my age who are finishing their studies, or have happy, healthy children and have lost all their baby weight. 

I just really needed a moment to let this all out.

Advertisements

A little case of anxiety

So as it turns out, I didn’t have a sinus infection–wasn’t the flu either phew! but I got a strong cold, probably a side effect oopsie from me not finishing the amoxicillin I was prescribed February 4th. Today, I’ve been fever free (thanks Tylenol!) and my right ear just popped after three days of slight deafness and I can breathe better from both nostrils. These are all signs of good news and hoping they stay! the bad news is my moms started to throw up and her coughs are getting worse and it’s all scary, so I definitely can’t have her within 30 feet of Cody–and that’s pushing it. So tomorrow, I have to do the breakfast routine completely unassisted, which is not too bad as I’ve done it before just not.. sickly.

Believe it or not, this is actually my first time being actually sick since Cody’s been born. Excluding that time last year on my birthday that I got tonsilitis but that’s not a virus that can’t be healed with antibiotics..
I’ve physically been unable to watch over Cody for 3-5 days… and lucky for me he didn’t have school this week (teacher/home visits)

But regarding tomorrow, I’m a little nervous to be watching over my little guy while I’m not feeling my 100 percent… Hopefully by some miracle I’ll get much better overnight, if not, well here goes nothing.

Wish me luck!
For now I’ll drink tons of water and hopefully devour as many Airborne gummies as allowed.

The Struggles, as the kids say.

Yes, I do realize I’m still a “kid” in the sense that I’m still in college only turning 21 in a few months and have the life of a 30something year old (besides the whole living with your parents, no degree, no job etc) but–I am working towards it even if it takes me 4 more years…haha. First of let’s admit the fact that I’m awful at blogging, have had this blog forever and have only … 14 updates? It’s difficult! But it’s really hard to find a specific topic to really captivate my audience. I just wanted to update and say that Cody has started school! And has yet to go to school for an entire week–it’s only really been about two and a half weeks with the snowmaggedon last Wednesday and Thursday and he also got an ear infection.. My poor baby…so he’s missed a fair amount of school this past week.

I am bittersweet about it because I’m so overjoyed with the blessing overflow that’s come with him starting school! All his teachers and therapists absolutely adore him to no end and it just warms my heart to know that my son is well taken care of and loved. As a mom though, it makes me a little sad (just a little!) that he hasn’t cried once since he’s started school! Which is good and at the same time makes me realize how fast he’s grown and he doesn’t have “momitis” as I like to call it. His need and want for independence is growing so I’m sure he won’t want to be held in a few months (or so I hope! My arms can’t take more than 35 pounds!)

On the other hand, his little “talker” device was moved to a 32cell overlay (he had 15 before) and what that means is that he now has a lot more choices and a lot more to say about everything (through this little machine) which is honestly amazing because having a non-verbal child is frustrating for both mom and child. It amazes me that he’s able to maneuver through it so easily and only being 3 years old. Every day he amazes me and I’m so proud of him for the accomplishments he makes– but this is all a given teehee.

Now for some innocent boasting, kind of not really…this valentines day I started feeling sickly, went to doctor and he said I have a sinus infection..and my first one at that. So I felt absolutely terrible and couldn’t do anything but lay in bed and feel like death was coming for me, I figured my night plans would fall through but that’s not quite what happened. My amazingly sweet (and risky) boyfriend decided to come over and make me dinner instead . I seriously feel so absolutely lucky to have a man that loves to cook haha. Then we watched tv and fell asleep. The next day he took me out to “breakfast” at 2pm… Haha and then Starbucks which probably wasn’t the best idea since I was sick and it was cold but It was worth it!
Now I’m still (slightly dying) on my bed with this horrible sinus infection that antibiotics won’t help me with, so I just gotta let nature take its course… It chose a great time to come too– sarcastically of course– since Cody has the whole week off due to parent teacher home visits! Let’s hope I’m better tomorrow because I’m so done with this coughing!

I’ll try to update more but anyway, have a great week!