I apologize in advance,this post might not be the most optimistic but I feel like I just need to get this off my chest and just to throw it out there, this is not a pity party. I am not asking for compliments and sympathetic comments about how you feel on this topic, please just hear me out.
Today I had a down moment, a small moment of weakness that some or maybe most people will have every now and again. I felt diminutive in comparison to my peers. I started thinking of what I’ve been doing with my life for the past two years and I couldn’t a find a single thing I could be proud to say I’ve accomplished on my own. In two years, I have only obtained 30 college credits, and if I did the math correctly that puts me at a freshman in college, all while my peers are going on their senior year of college next semester.
” What are you doing with your life Desiree?”
This is where I’d receive comments such as “Oh but Des, you’ve had a baby” or “I can barely take care of myself i couldn’t fathom taking care of someone else” but that’s no excuse for me to have 30 credits, which I am very much ashamed of instead of proud. In those two years, I’ve achieved nothing truly productive and I’m not only disappointed but angry that I’ve let myself waste so much time worrying on the stupidest aspect of my life–the social one. In which I will point out I have nearly nobody left because all my friends have left for school and finished their time at this terribly mundane “collegiate” institution I attend.
How unbelievably ridiculous
Right now I could be more than 3/4 of the way finished with my degree and be on my way to finding internships and jobs to be able to move out and be independent and care for my son INDEPENDENTLY. I can’t begin to tell you the frustration I feel for being so dependent at the age of (nearly) 21. Asking my parents for money makes me cringe, it makes me feel sick which leads me to think..
“If I hadn’t had a child, I wouldn’t have complicated their lives”
-insert tears here-
I will never regret the decision to keep my son, Cody makes me the happiest person, no matter how many tantrums he throws and how many negative feelings he might trigger like frustration and exhaustion. He’s made me into a slightly more mature person, but quite frankly I don’t feel good enough.
I could be a better mother, a better daughter, a better student, a better human.
But everything I’ve learned to define as who I should be is the most far from what I am today, and although this sounds like a complaint, it’s a cry of help. No matter how hard I try, I still feel like I’m not enough, and in harsh honesty I never will.
It does not mean I will give up, because my son is the one person who I need to be strongest for and throwing in the towel is not an option.
Just be patient with me, because I can’t help compare myself to other moms my age who are finishing their studies, or have happy, healthy children and have lost all their baby weight.
I just really needed a moment to let this all out.