Cody’s fourth round of Botox

Basically a small video collage put together to represent and show the process of us going to Children’s national in our nation’s capital, from the very beginning of me waking up and packing to go, to our ride there and arriving and finally to when we get to leave, pass this on and enjoy. it was one crazy hectic emotional ride for us

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If I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take

This is going to be the most spiritual post I’ve ever written so far and I promise to be brutally and sincerely honest throughout this whole post, just bare with me for I’m coming down from complete shock.

Today for Easter, my immediate family celebrated with my aunt, uncle and cousins at their house. They live a conveniently placed five minutes away from us. This is helpful in more than just one aspect, plus it also brings us together more.

Anyway, Cody was at his dad’s this weekend and when he came to drop him off, he was brought to my aunt’s house since we were already there.
Inconveniently enough, we forgot the car seat and we could not just take Cody home without the car seat as it is both unsafe and illegal; we did not want to risk the 5 minute drive. Thus, my aunt let us use her SUV that has a car seat in it already to take Cody home, while I drove our family SUV back home. (A Honda CR-V)

Once we dropped Cody and my mom off at home, my dad and I took each car to return it, then drive back in our own vehicle.

Being a usually careful driver, I was extra vigilant tonight for some unexpected reason resulting in my driving being much slower than the usual. At the traffic light we have to cross to get to my aunts, my side was on red while the main road was green.
Right then the main road light turned amber, and obviously soon after red.

My side turned green, but something inexplicable quickly told me not to go just yet, that someone would be running the red light, so I inched forward about two inches.. When suddenly a big beige Nissan Pathfinder accelerating at approximately 60-65 miles an hour ran the red light. If I had gone, I would be badly injured by then.

I was in shock. My mouth agape and eyes as wide as they go. That SUV would have hit me head on the driver’s seat. Something just saved my life, but not just anything.

God

For the past 4 years I will admit to being agnostic, completely unsure if God was truly there or not. Cody’s disabilities made me doubt him more and become angry with him.. Why would he give an innocent and pure person these hardships?
I stopped praying..
Church was just another forced activity every week..
My mom’s constant begging to listen to Catholic radio/ Television only became an annoying nagging in the back of my mind.
I completely thought God wasn’t there or that perhaps he had abandoned me, but I continued to play the part of a “good Catholic”, revealing my true agnostic only to myself.

That is.. Until this happened.

The powerful yet simple intensity of this small message told me that this was no mere coincidence, no secret psychic ability or “just lucky”.
This was God, telling me, that he’s truly there watching over me and I feel completely ashamed for having to wait for a sign of sorts to really believe.
Although it might sound silly to some, especially to those who don’t believe.. I truly think this has changed my mind and heart..

And what better day to do this then on Easter Day?

As the recent movie states:
God is Not dead”

Twenty-One

twenty-one candles: Two martinis and one delicious ice cream cake.

that once in a lifetime on top of the world feeling: but not quite. At least not yet.

This has probably been one of the more surrealistic birthdays I’ve had in my two decades and one year of breathing. Now, it’s not because I sat down at a bar and ordered two martinis– and received them. I believe that the reason this birthday has felt so far-fetched is because deep down somewhere in my psyche, I still feel like I’m only seventeen. Oh, I know how that sounds.. and it’s much easier said than explained when I say it. 

Maybe it’s because I had Cody at seventeen

This is where Sigmund Freud comes in a little bit, and please correct me if I’m wrong, I took PY102 my first semester of college. But Freud believed that if an individual did not “live out” a certain phase of their life correctly or to the fullest they would forever stay in that “stage” as I’ll call it. 
I know the stages were all broken down in clusters of ages instead of at one certain age. Perhaps, I just misunderstood and took it a lot more literally than it was intended for it to be. Except that’s not the only thing I can blame it on. As I have previously blogged about, I am very dependent of my parents; I buy nothing with my own money and it truly bothers me to no end.
I will not make this blog post negative.

I refuse. I had an amazing birthday yesterday and I’m grateful to my family more than anyone for the enormous amount of help they put into watching Cody for me for a few hours. It was all just so I could get my first bar experience and a little time outside of the house on my birthday. 

Thanks Familia, It truly means everything to me on how much you help me. Even If I may seem like I’m taking it for granted

For a turn of events, I did not go and get completely intoxicated as a handful of people suggested I do. Quite honestly I don’t believe being completely incoherent makes for a good time. Although, a good buzz is good just to let your true self out once in a while. I know my cousins and sister must have gotten a kick out of that. 
we sang happy birthday soon after arriving at home, Cody absolutely loves it and always thinks it’s for him, I’m sure he thinks he’s had 5 birthdays in the past two  months. haha.

My birthday cake was the usual “A Cheesecake named Desire” a punny play on words from the original 1947 American play A Streetcar named Desire. It’s from ColdStone, an ice cream place that I can say is one of my favorites.
It contains Cheesecake flavored ice cream, yellow cake (no, it’s not the same as vanilla cake), raspberry jelly in the middle and raspberries on top with raspberry everything. 

Can you tell why I must get this cake every year?

So overall I will give this surrealistic and yet very much real birthday a 4.5 out of 5 stars
The only little thing I did wish is that I’d had a little more time with the significant other, but alas sometimes there are things that are far out of my control and we must learn to accept and be grateful for what we get…But I won’t complain, these two gifts he gave me where my favorites so far

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Also, Thank you to the 90 something people who took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday on facebook. I appreciate the sentiment.

Cheers to being legal ! 

A letter to the past, a bottle in a time machine

Dear Desi,

Now I know this will be weird, because I’m a version of yourself you would have never expected to become, especially not at the age of sixteen. I want you to take everything I tell you and just let it process because this is how your life has been planned out to be, I know you’re a firm believer of “everything happens for a reason”. Let me begin with the small fact that you are exactly a week away from turning 21–yes the age where you can legally drink and buy alcohol–but trust me, you won’t be having the party you might have expected. Instead of going to a club with a guy completely different than the one you’re dating now and a bunch of crazy superficial girls that I know you wish you were, you’ll be spending it at a restaurant with your absolute best friend and your wonderful boyfriend. It will also be four days earlier than expected. On your actual birthday, you’ll probably have night class and after have your favorite coldstone cake–yes A cheesecake named Desire– the one you have every year because it’s just that good. Now don’t be too disappointed at this outcome, it’s actually much better than something as “typical” as going out and getting intoxicated with people who aren’t really your friends.
Let me then state the reason for this outcome you are not so happy to hear about.
Well, in about a year, two months after your seventeenth birthday, you will find out that you are pregnant.
okay, please breathe. It’s not as bad as you think it is… It’s much worse.
haha I’m kidding I wish I could see the expression on your face right now.
I am telling you though, that life will be harder. Having a child is no joke, you will experience some really emotionally painful things throughout your pregnancy, your labor and your child’s life.
I won’t spoil it and tell you the sex, just know you will love this child more than anything in this world. Yes, that does include your horrible addiction to energy drinks, that you will be very grateful to have stopped drinking over the years. They’re terrible for you.

Are you still worried about the being a teen mom thing?
Don’t be, let things happen in their own time. Also know that you have an amazing support group, you have a wonderful family that loves you, and this includes non-immediate family. Millions of people will love your child from the beginning and many more that you could not have expected. Be grateful for this, I know I am.

I must add, that your sister will be one of your best friends– I mean she always has been, but not quite like this. You’ll be happy for it actually. Your best friend, you won’t even meet till college, and as crazy as she is, she’s smart, supportive and will be like your sister.
You’ll be in a relationship with a phenomenal guy, no, not the guy you’re currently with, but he does become your friend in the future. He’s the best guy you’ll ever find and it’s funny because you definitely won’t be able to guess who it is.but let me give you a hint.. you already know who he is.
again, I wish I could see your face, you’re probably so confused or in your terms “Confuzzled”

Unfortunately, you won’t go to a four year school–at least not right away, community college will be a huge downer but it’s not about the parties and the “college experience” it’s about your education and your future career. Oh, I didn’t mention this, but you won’t be a graphic designer– and it’s a good thing! because you like your new major much more. The most important thing is that your child needs you now, at this precious time between the ages of birth and 5, enjoy the heck out of them because these years fly by in the blink of an eye.
Your tears will no longer be about how you don’t feel accepted at school, they’ll be about much bigger and more important things.

Now, all these things might sound extremely difficult but you do get a little time to yourself to go out and have fun, it’s not the “typical” amount for your age but then again you have never been typical. It’s a good thing, stay that way.

I most definitely will advice you, to please for the dear love of God to LOVE YOURSELF. You are your biggest critic and you still are, you’re a funny, wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful person. 

I know exactly what you just thought and hush. You are. Beauty is much more than a pretty face, and you are blessed with it in ways more than externally.
Don’t give up, times will get hard and it’s OKAY to cry about it, but don’t spend the whole time crying. keep moving and don’t look back, your past is your past and you need to accept that you cannot change it. Instead learn from it and turn it into a brighter future, not only for yourself..but for your precious little blessing. He/She is so perfect in so many aspects you’ll find it hard to believe that such a person exists.

This little person will change you in the most positive ways and all the things you think you are not, you definitely are.

so out of this I want you to know three things.
1. Love yourself, there’s not a single person in the world like you and you are loved by many
2. Be grateful for those who care about you and help you, you’d be somewhere completely different without them
3. Keep moving forward, simply that and try not to look back.

Don’t cry too much, I know you will do fantabulously.

Sincerely, and with love

you, age 21